One Step At Time

There are some updates that I want to tell you:

26.10.2016 ( Wednesday)

I was disappointed when he told me he might not able to go to KK after all, asked if the hotel reservation could be cancelled out instead. He told me he was not feeling well at the moment, so the uncertainty whether he gets better before the date we're supposed to go was in question. Disappointment and angry were the main roles of the day. Not knowing what happened next... 

I received  and image from him. An image showed his left hand has an iv drip on it. I was shocked to know the news.( I had doubts whether to cancelled the reservation or not and thus decided to postponed the decision til tomorrow. ) I immediately cancelled our reservation on the spot and then again, with such disappointment tone I asked him why until this late then I received such news. 

in conclusion: He diagnosed as having Severe Gastric Pain. He went from an outpatient to  emergency case. He refused to stay at the First Class Ward ( if you are a govern officer which holds a degree, you are entitled to get into a First Class Ward in a general hospital). Instead, off back home. 

27.10.2016 (Thursday)

I dropped by to his house to have a look at him. I was worried sick of him. his conditions were such: unable to stand straight, Unable to sit properly, could not even raised his voice, unable to stand for long, unable to walk fast, even he was walking he still needs to bend his upper body forward. 

I suspected there was a cut inside his stomach. Even the medications prescribe to him from last night could not relief his pain at all. The doctor in charge did advise him to undergo scope, but I refused to let him do so in the hospital. Instead urged him to go to KK to get the treatment.

28.10.2016 (Friday)

It's his birthday.  

It was the day he got admitted into Gleneagles Hospital in KK.

I was wide awake at 4 something in the morning. I asked how he was. There was no improvement at all. 

Luckily I  reschedule Bailey's service from KK to Keningau today at 8 am. By 920 am (more or less within 10 mins in between the time line), I received a phone call from him that we would be off to KK today, an appointment has been set and shall enter directly into the emergency entrance. 

Me, his mother and him. 

29.10.2016 (Saturday)

We thought he would be released today. Unfortunately we have to stay back another day for observation. 

30.10.2016 (Sunday)

We're set to go home by 130 pm. Reached home by 330 pm. 

5.11.2016 (Saturday)

The mood wasnt right during the Preschool Charity Dinner. 

He stated his real intentions.

I told him my feelings.

We literally went separated.

6.11.2016 (Sunday)

It was 140 am, I called mum. I cried and cried and cried

8.11.2016 (Tuesday)

I saw some amount of money has been transferred into my account, from him. I felt insulted in so many ways, I returned it immediately. 

11.11.2016 (Friday)

I dreamed he get admitted into a hospital. Not once, but even several times with different situation and conditions but this one was so real that I was worried sick. I decided to text him, just asking how was he. 

12.11.2016 (Saturday)

I lost my faith in love. I still want to cry but my tears are dried up. 

I still sayang him but the love has gradually lessen. I dont want to lose him even as a friend. It;s either Im too soft or Im just plainly stupid. I dont know.

LL x

Quote

A quick note to myself as a remark since last year.

SOOOOOO  Facebook is really kind to remind us back what we had written year (s) ago.

Baby was so down since he was still recovering from broken relationship ( his first relationship), as his birthday was getting near (28.10) and he just went through heart broken relationship (about two months but hey, he is not someone to accept the fact THAT fast and mind you, it was his first relationship)

I posted something like this to him:

Dear Suppository Babe,
People come and go, so does love.
When the time comes everything you owe must be returned at once.
Life goes on.
And you have me.
Live your life to the fullest and may you gain your happiness as soon as possible.
From me,
Your Suppository Babe xx
Sayang you so much.

And I still sayang him until now. A year has passed and it's not a sayang anymore, It's a love. HAHA. I love him so much.

I wont say the word, not until he say it first. Or after we're officiallised as Mr and Mrs. haha.
I only admit it to you. xx

Chances

The school WiFi is being generous to me lately, such opportunity doesn't come often.

I have been feeling down and insecure nowadays. Being said, this might be continue for several more days.

I love him so much that I pray almost everyday to God that let him become mine. I love him, regardless his flaws or his flawless. I come to understand the 'LOVE' term according to my own understanding.

Love is not an instant love, which the moment you are in heat, making love is the best way to show your 'love', whether you are truly in love or not. There are several ways when the real love formed. It does sure brings out maximum pleasure when you have reached to the stage where you have finally accepting and embracing someone unconditionally.

Sadly for me at the current moment, he still in his dilemmas. :'(

Still I am patiently waiting for him. Yet, The waiting has almost reaching its limits. I have to consider my age for me to bear children. He wants kids, so do I. I really hope we can be together. I want us to build our future together.

You may think this is one sided thing, but to be honest, our conversations more on to the future. I really hope whatever we have discussed and said will soon be fulfilled.Sometimes he would initiate the topic before I do, and I know from his eyes that he too, has been fallen in love, with me. But then, the moment he said risks and challenges. It makes me realised that he is too actually afraid and uncertain what will happen tomorrow. No one knows what holds tomorrow but once we are together, I know we can go through all the challenges and tasks with our heads on it.

I once have so called an ideal dream man of my own, and I certainly sure I had one. Thinking back how it went, I still liked him but it becomes lesser and now, I dont have any feelings toward him except the feeling as a friend. He is someone that I treasure and I thanked him to be a part of my life and memories.

Years after, upon meeting my Baby, I realised that all criterias that an ideal man should have are at my Baby. Upon our meeting to almost every week, I keep on falling in love of him deeply. Some might be only the outer appearance that I am not used to (I am used to now. HAHA) about him but the inner him that I valuate most and appreciate most.

I really hope we can be together. Amen.

ps. I am turning my television and 'watching' Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler) Season 2. by 'watching I mean, I simply let it rolls and turned it as a music background to filled in the emptiness of this house while do blogging at the moment. WAKAKAK!

Until then,
LL x

The Little Me

I grabbed this chance while the school WiFi is still on by posting some moments quickly

The insecure me has once again being healed my lovely Baby, thanks to him I have gained my momentum back. This is a self reflection for me, to spend some of my time to those who needs especially my surroundings.

Depression can be happened anywhere and anytime regardless which state of form you are. I realised the moment I hit my adult age (27 is the age where I finally admit I am an adult), that I almost fall into depression state countless times. I should be grateful to my innocent (wink) thoughts yet having mental shaped as steel taught by mum does help me passed through depressions without me even realise it.

And not to forgot to my beloved ones, especially my Baby and my close friends, they are playing big parts of my adult life. Without them, I might turned to be someone else. By saying that, I don't know how or what have I done to my part which I can be a help to others. I really want to know.

It's not that I never being told or being expressed by their gratitude toward me. I've been told by friends in different time and place. Yet I have no recollections how did I ended up helping them. Haha. whatever it is, if what they said were true, then I am thankful and glad that I am able to change or assist them in their critical moments of their life.

I am getting hungry but I am a lazy bum. I dislike to cook especially at night. Urgh, thinking on how I have to wash all the dirty dishes afterward...... I might just skip the supper (though I havent take dinner yet)

I know my Baby always using the indirect ways ( well, actually direct) to tell me to sharpen my cooking skill. I am sorry Baby. I can cook but just a normal person cooking, no extravaganza or whatsoever. I will try to cook better,PERHAPS, once we're having children in the future. Haha!

 I mean it, once we're married, I will cook more and order less takeaway foods. It will be more if our children are born. I shall make it a 100% home based cooking foods just for you and our kids. Love you. xx

Ok then, til next time.

See you very soon! x

It Ain't Easy

This is pathetic.

To NOT OWNING a decent WiFi YET. It is a 100% dependence on the availability of school internet. Although I am accessing it at the moment, it restricts which websites you can access. I am grateful since it does not restrict blog-spot website.

I cannot access Facebook by using school WiFi though. It has been listed as one of blocked websites that the govern has decided.

The school WiFi availability doesn't stay long and it may disappear any soon.

I shall apply WiFi of my own, soon.

I have talked to him through the phone just now. I got a missed call from him since I jut woke up from my 'nap' (do you count three hours of sleep as nap time?). I texted him back telling him my situation and few seconds later, my phone ringed again, :)

His presence soothes me. Although we can't meet this week, I am looking forward to our stay next week. His birthday will be by next Friday. :) Despite his busy schedule, he still managed to get his time to me. I am eternally grateful and highly appreciate that.

We talked about how stressful I am now about my finance, I didn't tell him 100% what's going on but still, even by talking to him my stress level reduced up to 80%. Thanks, Baby. xx

Any ways I can increase my income? :'(

Once I have WiFi of my own, I will re decorate some of these posts again. I have to write it as fast as I can since again, due to the fact the availability of school WiFi is uncertain.

I shall write again soon.

Till then

LL x

Barely Alive

I can't even remember when was the last time I ever updating my blog.

I don't even know how to begin since so many things happened within the time gaps since then.

Wonderful events, sad events, emotion events, even stressful events.

My current mode: more to stress and complicated 

Sometimes I feel like I was born into the wrong place and  wrong dimension even the wrong country.

Money, Relationships. 

Money comes first. 

Relationships after.

Me: I don't feel like I deserve to have both of those. 

The person I like is no longer a 'like' feeling, it's a love. I won't call it like, but love him. YES. I LOVE HIM.

The sad thing about that is that he hasn't sure and feel he doesn't deserve to get any love from anyone. Still, I love him, despite any flows he has. I love the imperfection of him. How I wish he knows this. Talk about risks and consequences. He gets afraid. I do understand, but I am always be with him. The burden he has I will cease it in anyways I can, I am always beside him. 

I want him as my husband and the father of our children. I want nothing from his family fortune nor fame. I simply want him. The person I love. without coated masks.

Yet

It is complicated. I have told him clearly how much he means to me. He will be the final decider, 

Money

Is the devil root of all.

This is painstaking for me. I am stressed in so many ways. That's why. I am ashamed of myself. I cannot proudly strengthen my back while having debts around me. 

I shall stop here. 

It tears me up the more I am typing while pouring my thoughts into words and am telling you these.